Life, As I See It.

August, let's write for 15 minutes.

2011-08-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

I guess, this is my excuse to somehow slip back into writing without seeming like an overly lazy bastard. You see, I want to write. I write all these crazy things in my head and I see it developed inside and then I never sit to actually develop the ideas. It's a horrible process. This is why I'm jumping into the "write for 15 minutes a day in August," deal. It's pretty exciting to know that there are a gazillion people in the world who do this but I don't know a single one. Actually, now that I think about it, it's pretty depressing so if you ask me where the "exciting" part belongs, I'll answer "nowhere."

Anyways, lately I've been obsessed with Adele and trying hard to finish "In the Time of Butterflies," by Julia Alvarez. Both of these current doings, are depressing. Why am I attracted to these feelings? I have never struggled to finish a novel, as a matter of fact; I devour them until I'm entirely complete and on the hunt for the next read. But this novel, it's a different sort of novel. It's the type that makes you cringe with anger and then with the same quickness you're dropping it because you can no longer fathom the pain it's causing you. Maybe it's because it hits home. My parents (seeking freedom for their daughter and of course themselves) experienced first hand what a restricting government can do to one. Especially my overly outspoken father. "In the Time of the Butterflies," Julia Alvarez is re-telling a story that should never be forgotten; the story of the Mirabal sisters who were oh-so-brave. But you see, it's exactly this that doesn't allow me to finish it the way I finish other novels. I find myself cursing Trujillo and his communistic ways. I find myself wishing I could turn back time and give all three sisters a warning that destiny was not on their side.

Obviously, this will not happen and so I have to stick with the thought that these women who were something else entirely, are no longer living. I know the end, I know it perfectly well. This is the invisible rope that keeps pushing me back once I reach a new chapter. This same rope does not want me to read what will cause me to cry the same way I cried when I finished "My Sisters Keeper," by Jodi Picoult. It's so protective, yet so restricting. It's as if it knows I'll de devastated for days at the thought that history books have this heart-wrenching story permanent on their pages. The rope is never strong enough though. I also break through it and reach what's meant to be reached. I always explore and dwell in the words that leave me lingering for days and somehow, after much debate and arguments with what life often drops at your feet; I give permission for my protector to release and allow all the sentiment to reach it's me. Because, after all, the end didn't stop the Mirabal Sisters from doing what needed to be done.

P.S. Later on, I'll write another entry seeing as how you need ONE entry per day in August. I missed yesterday (reason? go back and read line one). Here's to hoping!

Captured In Time

2011-04-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Lately it feels as if my days were mixed into one.

One, what? One day? One week? One month? One hour?

I don't really know.

It's all so fast & blurry, yet not very fast at all. But, I need to remember it all because once upon a time (in college) I taught myself a lesson about stories being all we truly have in life.

I've been snapping photos left and right, I always do. It's a story in a picture, a memory captured; frozen for its beauty.

So, I'll just cross my fingers and hope that with each passing image a memory with vivid details and elaborate thoughts flow through.

Happiness is...

A sunsetting in NYC

A first football game.

Art I love.

A good hair day.

Sleeping without shades.

Pretending to be a drunk bachelor in a party.

Taking a polaroid of colorful flowers I wish I had.

A little brother I adore.

Being beside you.

Swingin' really high.

Helping someone else feel joy.

A sincere smile.

Being pushed, really..really high.

A city filled with strangers.

Morning coffee.

Creating something to laugh about.

The books that consume your nights.

Watching you listen to music that'll shape you.

Freezing moments shared with you.

Being proud of a picture.

The first time trying butterbeer after years reading about it.

Taking cute pictures of you.

Shared meals.

Watching you in tranquility.

Drunken nights.

Meeting a favorite author.

Starring at the sky.

Being nostalgic.

A lunch in Spain, or what felt like Spain.

A portrait of culture.

Trying silly clothes, and then laughing.

A breakfast with an amazing friend.

A random day shared with you.

Pretending you're a kid at the age of 24

Taking pictures in bathrooms, for the sake of taking a picture.

Being able to understand each other.

Drunken love?

creating your own photo-shoot.

A solitary moment, all for me.

Indecisions

2010-10-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

"..So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice...Equally disquieting are the times when we do make a choice, only to later feel as though we have murdered some other aspect of our being by settling on one single concrete decision. By choosing Door Number Three, we fear we have killed off a different- but equally critical- piece of our soul that could only have been manifest by walking through Door Number One or Door Number Two..."

Whenever I feel as if I cannot find the words to describe what my little heart has been feeling, I read. You see, I was literally reading for about 3 minutes when I found exactly what I've been contemplating. Only, of course, I could probably not have put it as adequate and lovely as Elizabeth Gilbert did in her newest release "Committed." It seems as if my life has suddenly closed down due to the career choice everyone warned me about. Although I live and breath education every single day of my life, it seems as if the stress has been literally eating me alive lately. My time, my thoughts, my sleeping patterns and my entire social aspect is surrounded by work. I chose teaching for various reasons. 1) The feeling of being able to give another human being the information that can make up powerful and unique individuals, 2) My love for learning, 3) The thought that I, too, could convey a love for literature across my students. However, the deeper I succumb in my chosen door, the more I see that maybe this is harder than anticipated. I keep repeating that things are hard for a reason, and that's what makes them interesting. However, this is hard in a different way. It's hard in the way that I must depend on 25 kids in a middle school setting to feel like learning so I can do my job with satisfaction, so I can teach the lessons I plan for hours on the weekend, to appreciate what literature can do and how it can change a single life. It's as if I'm being thrown blindfolded in a classroom on a daily basis. My good and bad days depend on a hour basis and the periods/amount of kids that step into my classroom.

I hate to be a negative nancy, but my point is, that I have always wanted to do so many things and yet I chose the door that I am now regretting I entered. The door that has limited my dreams/ desires. You see, I'm into the Arts. I want to travel the world and write about culture, I want to work for a book publishing company that allows me into the marvelous world of releasing and meeting the mastermind behind words and phrases that move me within. I want to write about Art and compose stories that help people find their way in this insane world we'll honestly never understand. But yet, I chose the door without the risk. I chose the path that leads to safety and secure environment when in reality, I drown with desire to be someone else. Someone more like the person I truly am, not the person that was taught to not be risky.

The feeling of being stuck is overwhelming. But, I am of course not one to settle for unhappiness. Luckily, I'm taking this pessimistic feeling and trying to turn it into something that will make me smile on a daily basis. Something where I wake up and feel like I'm making a difference as opposed to "making a difference depending on your students behavior for that day."

On Living With You..

2010-08-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

During our move, there were pictures that I took because the moments made me tear up like the sentimental cancer I am. Here are the moments that I am very glad I captured:

There is one special person who is missing in these pictures, my father. He was somewhere downstairs trying hard to not say goodbye to me. However, as I was standing at the door of my apartment, my eyes began to tear. Not just because we are intertwined and our lives will forever be connected despite my move. But, because I felt proud and accomplished, different and grown-up, insanely devoted and inspired to build an amazing home- just like they've raised and engraved within me.

After this moment, the transition began and our apartment slowly started taking shape. Luckily, I was prepared..

*A mess about to unravel.

* A sweet approach.

* The Sofa no one sat on; we were

WAY TOO YUCKY from the move.

* My Best Friend is a trooper. Together, we built tables

and laughed out loud while the apartment was still empty.

I <3>

* & this handsome fiancee moved sofas and carried boxes.

All to start our new life together.

After all that lifting, sweating, carrying, dragging, organizing, laughing, and overwhelming excitement; our amazing apartment started coming together.

Now, our sweet home consist of the follow....

(Thanks to Raimel's Mom for the AMAZING gift.)

What do I absolutely love about this sofa? The fact that I find the one true boy who is consistently making me laugh out loud. I always KNEW that having my own place would mean cute frames on the wall filled with photos of us, a bedroom with a walk-in closet that holds all my girly goodies, a place where I can sing out loud without worrying about bothering anyone.

However, what I never thought about is the one thing that defeats all above. The simplicity of spending 20 minutes on a couch talking about nothing or just simply watching television in complete silence with one another, the simple fact that I look forward to hearing the keys against the door; a noise that instantly creates butterflies, the mere act of saying "I Love You" before he leaves to work.

Our sweet key holders

* How cute is this? A little TOO cute.

I love seeing this when I come home. I'm not quite sure why, but it creates a homely feeling, instantly.

My kitchen wall Magnet

*This cute little magnet board will soon develop into a space that I can glance at

and immediately remember all the goodness we have in our lives.

Our friends, family and the random awesomeness life drops on us.

And now, I leave you with this last picture. A photo that I am in total love with. A photo that brings a smile to my face everyday.

I will say this over and over again, I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Photo by Elaine Palladino.

BEST. PHOTOGRAPHER. EVER.

Looking Back...

2010-07-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

As a Teacher, I come across many students. Some I love more than others. I will not sit here and lie about the fact that there are certain students that pull certain strings in your heart while others may just linger in your memory. Working at Mavericks High has taught me a great deal about culture, about those students life and how pain can be the cause of their mistakes and regrets. I've been working in a school where each student has been in trouble with the law, they've been arrested, they have records and at first- I hated every minute of it. However, like everything, I adjusted and re-adjusted. In my transition I realized that those kids could actually show me a thing or two and through that understanding I became closer to them.

Today, I was sitting next to one of the students that I can't exactly tell why I'm so attached to. Since the very first day he got there, his quiet ways automatically caught my attention, I kept wondering "Why does he not speak to others around him?" or "He really..really...looks depressed." I always saw hurt written all over his face. I soon realized, that this student (whose name I will not reveal) was always high. I'm not afraid to approach students, I'm actually extremely honest with them and although I'm not a counselor, I feel it's part of our job to somehow get to the bottom of things. As I sat near him and got to know him, I realized that something in this students life at home was causing him to do this all day, everyday. I was instantly drawn to him and help was all I wanted to give. But, my powers are limited and if I could heal by just a simple hand on the shoulder, I'd walk around giving a remedy to all hurt. We spoke about life, his future, school...he revealed that he left his old school "...because my Teachers didn't want me in their class, they couldn't stand me..." I held on to that sentence as our conversation ended. How horrible, that feeling. I'd walk in school high everyday too. How insanely devastating to have adults that are supposed to make a difference in your life, not stand the sight of you...

Through books, through literature, I learn about life. I am always taught a lesson or 5 once I'm done with a book. Right now, I'm reading Little Bee. I am only on page 79 but I am in total love with every other quote. So, as I was reading I came across an amazing quote:
" I do not know why the mind chooses these small things to break itself on."
The quote comes after the part where the girl with no name hangs herself. Little Bee is about to inform one of the others girls but she notices there is a puddle of the girl with no names urine. The sight of this, makes it impossible for Little Bee to inform the others. This image, make it's real. The mind, it will choose those small details and expand them.

I love the quote for many reasons, but particularly due to my experience today. You see, this student I speak off, has not been coming high to school for the past 2 weeks and his reality (when not high), becomes real to him. While when he's high, it is not. Therefore, while working with him I realized he kept minimizing the text on his computer while getting closer and closer to the screen. I decided to ask him if he needed glasses and the conversation went as followed:

Me: Do you need glasses?
Student: No..yes, kinda. I don't like to wear them.
Me: But you need them, I'm sure you know this but your vision will worsen. especially since you're on the computer the entire day.
Student: They're annoying. I don't want to.
:: student ends the quiz on the computer while on question 8::
Me: Why'd you close the quiz? We were doing it together.
Student: I don't want to work anymore.. I'm tired. My eyes hurt.
Me: That's because you need your glasses.
Student: (puts his head down) Ms. Armas, I don't want to talk about this anymore...please.

I don't think I'll ever know exactly why the subject of his glasses bothered him to that extent. But I do know, that when I saw him put his head down while asking me to please not talk about his glasses, my eyes instantly became teary. I had to stop myself from actually crying while realizing that just like I had absolutely no idea why the subject seem to hurt him, I had no idea why I wanted to break down and cry: " I do not know why the mind chooses these small things to break itself on."

I will be leaving that school very soon. I will be working in a school where maybe, the kids don't need me as much. At the time I applied and was automatically accepted, I became thrilled with the thought of leaving the school I'm currently in...but that was about 3 months ago. Today, I'm thinking that I take with me very valuable information that I hope I can apply to my future students. Today, I'm thinking that I really did get to know those students the way a Teacher should get acquainted. Today, I'm thinking that I can never judge because the second I do, I am proved wrong. Always. Today, I loved my experience at Mavericks High despite my countless days of annoyance. This is what happens when you simply open up just a bit.

It Takes A While To Sink...

2010-07-19T19:40:00.000-07:00
Normally, when another birthday passes me and I turn another age, it takes me about a week to fully feel like I'm that age. Like I fit that part. People will randomly ask me how old I am and I'll say the age that I just spent a year with and not the age I just turned. Almost like a pair of shoes; they don't fit right at first but then you just learn to meanuver them or you simply break into them. After the breaking in and getting used to, they don't bother anymore. That's what age tends to be like for myself, hence me writing about it about two weeks later.

I slipped out of 22 like a lose pair of jeans you simply know you've worn way too long. I didn't want to let go, but the time was up. I loved 22, I loved its moments of teaching and togetherness. I think that's what it came down to. Togetherness. I normally bid farewell in my head as I contemplate throughout the day or week, but now that I'm blogging, I think it's only fair I write it down. Therefore, thank you 22 for the following reasons:

* You brought me the joys one feels when the person their in love with proposes because they simply want you in their life for the rest of it.

* I've truly understood how deep the connection between my younger brother and myself is. My love for that boy is deeper than the ocean.

* I've gone through countless teaching jobs with this unstable economic standing and I've taken a piece of knowledge with each student. I've understood culture in ways I wouldn't be able to otherwise. I've also come to the conclusion that deep down inside, there's hurt in every kid and if you just take a minute and ask some questions, you'll find an amazing human being.

* The friendship my best friend and I have has been reinforced this past year, with nothing but amazing sleep overs where I've realized that she truly is impossible to wake up, and that she too, loves her brother deeply. Which I think, shows a great deal about oneself.

* My parents have finally arrived at the conclusion that I'm just not a little girl anymore, although admittance of this fact will indeed be difficult.

* And lastly, is a surprise I'll be blogging about VERY SOON. I can't wait to complete this number six it will be filled with greatness and sweetness and it of course deals with thee lover boy. But for now, I shall remain information-less!

* Goodbye 22 goodness & hello 23 amazingness.

* My two favorite people...

Sweetness All Over.

2010-06-27T21:37:00.000-07:00
If I sit here and complain about my lack of enthusiasm for work tomorrow, I'll earn the title of cry baby. I have had the best one week vacation from my hellish summer teaching job, & the best part?

It's not over.

I'll be returning to work tomorrow but only to begin counting down the days till' next Friday. Yani, Raimel's cousin, is turning 15 and we're celebrating like it should ALWAYS be celebrated. FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK. Oh, to be 15. I'd rather not.

I'm enjoying my 22nd year a bit too much. I do wish the vacation weeks were back to back as opposed to having this uncomfortable week before heading out to sea. But, like I said, to complain would be too spoiled of myself..so I won't..I guess.

My vacation week was absolutely stunning. I did something EVERY single day- from a trip to Ikea with mother dearest to a scavenger hunt (till' 3:00am) that I might have enjoyed a little more if I had been with my usual group of friends and not so damn exhausted after my engagement shoot.

Which leads me to my next topic: my engagement photos were this past week. I must say, our photographer is the absolute best. She even bought us ice cream, made us laugh, and told us to make out in public for the sake of AMAZING photos.

Now, Raimel and I are intimate in public but not to the making-out extreme. Despite our mutual shyness, we somehow managed to forget all about the fact that Elaine was following us with a giant camera that can capture each and every one of my unwanted pores, and pretended as if it was the first month of our 5 year relationship. After the shoot, Raimel simply said
"I felt like I was kissing you, for the very first time.."
I think the pictures will be amazing with that comment alone.

Today, however, was a peaceful and sweet Sunday. Literally. Sweet.
After breakfast with Andrea & Ferny in Casa Havana, we drove over to "Sweetness Bake Shop" on Sunset drive where I bought chocolate cupcakes among two other flavors. Now, I know they are known for their cupcakes but I ordered a White Chocolate Mocha Frapp and of course, my sugar level (being the weak sauce that I am for sweets) was way too high after that and so my body was refusing my mental craving for the cupcakes. But, I will say, that their frapp puts starbucks white mocha to disgrace. IT WAS FABULOUSLY AMAZINGLY EXTRAVAGANTLY DELICIOUS.
And, I got some sweet pictures of this adorable boy.
He had a boo-boo, so I told him real men wear Dora the Explorer band-aids. He just looked at me and shrugged. How laconic.
I loved my out for my engagement shoot. I also can't wait until the photos are out.

Tis' All. Love & Peace.

Read in 2010

2010-06-15T19:30:00.000-07:00
Books Read in 2010
Currently Reading: The Sookie Stackhouse Series (A.K.A. True Blood)
- Harry Potter Series
-The Hunger Games
-Something Borrowed
-Something Blue
-The Lost Symbol
-The Brief Second Life of Bree Tanner
-Reclaiming Paris
-Dear John
-Still Alice
-A Thousand Splendid Suns
-Crazy Love

Abuelita, Abuelito, Tia, Tio, Primo, Prima- How I long, for you.

2010-04-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

Today, I walked into my house for the first time in 3 days to find not a "Hello" from the parentals but a "HERE, TALK TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER..." My father practically throws me the phone and I, of course, freak-out at the thought of the awkward silences that often occur when I talk to ANYONE from Cuba. It's very hard to not have those silences, I hate them, and I hate them even more when I know it's family that I should be able to speak to with much fluent conversation.

However, the years spent apart and the lack of knowledge about each other often creates a sometimes very heartbreaking and unavoidable silence. I say heartbreaking because I want to be part of them, I don't want to be that grandchild far away they somehow know from pictures and a one week visit when she was twelve. I want to be part of their culture, their real culture, the one where the women sit around the kitchen table and speak of "fulanita.." I want to hear the stories that start with "..tu padre cuando era chiquito.." (..your father, when he was younger...) I long for those never coming memories, I long for my grandparents to ask "si tengo hambre?.." But my parents, the brave ones, as I often refer to them, built a boat and migrated to Miami seeking freedom, education and no more starvation for their 4 year old daughter, Me. The life my parents chose for us created a world of two kinds, a world that is just so distinguishable that will forever create those silences.

When I first met Raimel, lovely Fiance, I was amazed by his giant family. Or, what looks giant compared to my loving 4 (including myself.) I remember the first time I met them all in the same room, Thanksgiving, our first thanksgiving back in 2005. They all spelled the words "Close-knit" in my head. All wonderful, all together, united. I walked out fascinated by them, that's when I knew I was with the right boy. Although it took time to get to know them all individually, I walked out and looked at Raimel and simply said "...I'm in love with your family..." He starred and smirked then hopped in his old car, the Toyota that marked so many of our beginning adventures as a couple, the car that will always be my favorite despite the cool 350z that he currently drives.

It was hard for me to understand exactly why I was instantly so attached to his family, but it didn't take long to understand that everything they had, was what I wished my Mother, Father and little brother wished they had here. I wanted someone to call "Abuelita.." I wanted a Cousin, a Tia and Tio. I wanted them all close by to share jokes and weekend reunions, like them.

So, every time my mother or father throw me the phone, I speak and try my very best to make conversation that will last at least 5 minutes, but, it's always so hard. Then, I give the phone back to Mom or Dad and feel this never ending void that feels all too familiar. A void that I always truly believe leaves me but suddenly realize it will never be filled.

Sometimes, Breaks are Needed.

2010-04-04T12:40:00.000-07:00
The More I look at my fellow facebook friends satus updates, the more I realize that this spring break was something MOSTLY everyone has gotten to enjoy, including myself. Although tomorrow we'll be back to the hussle that life can create for us all, I'm glad most of us got something great from this time off. For myself, I've had an amazing week with my lovely mother who is always working, my amazing brother whom I can't get over because..he kicks ass, and my loving fiance who... is my fiance..I mean, really, need I say more? I don't think so...
However, not only has it been a spontaneous and PERFECT week, but it's also been a time to take kick-ass pictures of the people I love. My brother, who is in his weird little adolescent time in life, is consistently self conscious and never wanting to be in pictures so I often get this from him....

However, for the oddest reason, ever, he let me take amazing pictures of him while out in Midtown Mall with mother dearest. I enjoyed this a great deal because I've always loved photographing him since the age of...baby? But, somehow along the growing up stages, he's slowly but surely turned down my wanting to take pictures of him. Therefore, when he allowed me to take these, I was pretty freakin' ecstatic....

I took a thousand more of him that day, but those were among my favorites.

<3 & Peace.

In My Life...

2010-04-02T06:03:00.000-07:00
The Best Things ARE Free....

Yesterday, Raimel and I woke up extra early before his work time and hopped (or drove) on over to Sergio's for some deliciousness (A.K.A. BREAKFAST) then we decided it was too pretty of a day to just go back and wait for the hour where he'd have to leave me so we headed to the park for some fun in the sun. That's when it hit me....

I spend so much of my day wondering where my future is headed. I spend so much time wondering when (IF) I should go back to school...
I spend my time wondering WHAT I should do once I go back..
Then I start thinking of all these weird and impossible jobs that really don't suite my personality..like Nursing, like Speech Pathologist....BLAH.
Not that I wouldn't like to be THAT person, but the reality is..that I'm not. I love teaching and I can sit for hours and think about all these different things I want to do and they all involve the following:

* I can sit down the entire day and ...read.
* I love capturing moments/ life in photos....
* I love people...
* I love CHANGING people, for the good, of course.
* I love helping people..a lot.
And...
* I love teaching. A LOT.
Hence, why I became a TEACHER. Now, with this bullshit Bill, I don't know where that's headed but at the end of the day, it's truly what I love to do.
I thrived when I would go to work and help my kids on all the craziness English teachers help their students with. I loved their random comment and their crazy ones as well. I went home everyday feeling like I'd done something incredibly helpful. I knew I inspired some, and not others, but that's okay because that's just part of it all.

So, this goes back to my original thought..why worry SO much and dwell on something that in reality, I don't want to do. I refuse over and over to go back and work in something that just won't fulfill my never filling want to make a difference. As cliche as this may seem, LIFE is way too damn short to do something that won't fill that void for me. So, like my fiance's brother told me "...Ride it out.." and I will. I will stick to what I believe I was meant to do. Bill 6..or not.
All these thoughts came to me as I was strolling down this wonderful park with the fiance himself, having what I call, one of the best mornings, ever.

All I need to do...

2010-03-31T15:43:00.001-07:00
Is look at this face and my day is a-okay..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My love, My Engagement, My New Beginnings.

2010-02-22T16:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, I suck at this updating situation. However, I am not giving up! I will continue until I am so insanely use to it that it becomes a necessity- like breathing, like coffee, like love and literature.

Yesterday was a spectacular Sunday, the marvelous photo which you see above was composed- which I am deeply in love with. Those colors remind me of what I most love about life. I love my smile, my free flowing hair, I love that I planned the entire picture and it came out exactly as I had imagined, I love my blue dress which loosely fits and my brown cute belt that's so baha-chic. I love my happiness, it captures everything about my spectacular Sunday and my specular life.

And then, I love this picture...

of the wonderful boy I love and will spend the rest of my life with. That's my slick way of saying, that we're ENGAGED! It has taken me more than forever to finally write this, it happened on February 14, 2010 and I was the happiest girl on planet Earth. I didn't see it coming and I won't write TOO many specifics about how it happened because although not many people read my blog, a few do, and the details are so very special and sacred to me that I'd rather handwrite them and keep them in my forever physical presence.

However, I will say this..........

* He kept JUST the right amount of tradition and came to speak with my parents without my knowledge.
* He involved my bestest friend from High School, Tots! She was VERY ecstatic. She will forever be part of that special moment.
* They both arranged to have me out and about so I would not notice what was going on.
* It was on Valentines Day (clearly..)
* We walked towards the shore, me in my high black heels, he in his cool sneaks.
* It was dark and pretty, romantic and lovely.
* We sat on the sand. Me, not caring that I had strategically set up my outfit for the night and had spent money on it (Materialism would never matter over the loveliness that was taking place.)
* The stars were shinin'
* We could hear the waves colliding against one another, almost as if they knew it would only make our moment a tiny bit more special.
* We spoke pretty words filled with deep meaning.
* He didn't bend down on one knee, and I absolutely loved that.
* I hadn't cried the way I did that night, in quite some time.
* My ring was beautiful and just perfect, I've never had such pretty jewelry and I can't help but be excited that the one amazing piece I DO have now, is symbolically representing our love, our life and that special night.
* We walked hand in hand towards our new beginning with the sea, the blackness of the night, the wondrous stars and the softness of the sand as our only witness.

The other specifics will be buried deep in my handwritten journal because they are just that darn special :)
As for now, I am what every girl in love is; I have walked around with nothing but laughter and smiles due to this lovely surprise. I feel as is Raimel and I are sharing this deep connection (like we always have) that's just suddenly been intensified times one hundred.

I'm clearly, a very very happy girl.
And what makes me even happier? That my lover boy of 5 years is too.

Longing.

2010-01-24T18:16:00.000-08:00
So, every Friday night I pack my sweet little bags and hop in my car to the lovely boyfriends house. We've developed the routine (ever since he got his own room) where I sleep over for the weekend. It's a small glimpse of how our life would be like if we'd move in. I'm a strong believer in moving in prior to marriage. I have nothing against it, nor do I have anything against those who chose not to. What I most love about these mini-adventures, as I like to call them, is the fact that I can go to sleep and wake up to find him right by my side with a whole day of loveliness which always awaits. However, ever since we've started doing that, I leave every Sunday night with this horrible dreaded feeling. You would think, that after 5 years of being together and every single weekend being spent in each others company that by Sunday I'd be ready to hit my house and be content. But instead, every single Saturday night I get this huge stomach ache because I know I'm THAT closer to Sunday; the day I leave him.

I feel like it's how I know I love him deeply (or better yet, this is reason 579036765). It's just one of the many moments that allows me feel closer to him. His company is truly a blessing. Today, while having an inexpensive lunch at McDonalds he said "I fell asleep last night quickly because I felt at peace." I thought that was probably the best comment I have heard from anyone in a while. I truly feel at peace with him as well, which is why when I pull up to the front of my house on Sunday nights I feel like I'll be missing a giant part of me for the remainder of the week. He's so lovely.

So, I wonder; is the amazing Friday feeling so worth the dreaded longing feeling left on Sunday? I often think it's not. And, I should let go of the habit so I don't fall into depression once again. But then, Friday strolls around and I'm once again wanting those butterflies to wake up and greet me.

It's clearly an on-going roller-coaster that I wish would simply just stay put at it's highest and funnest point. SIGH. My lover boy.

Randomness about MUAH.

2010-01-20T21:56:00.000-08:00
Although I did this a while ago, I thought it should be on here since I am keeping this whole pinky promise to blog about my everyday adventures..or my everyone in a while adventures.

1) I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read. The way words make me feel is seriously indescribable, and I resent saying that as a person that loves words but yeah...

2) I LIKE to believe everyone has good in them, just give them some time and you'll see..

3) Raimel understands me like no other person I've ever met.

4) I take a shit on the 50% divorce rate statistic. I think people meet and automatically think they're in "love" GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER PEOPLE!!! it takes more time than you think to understand another human being the way they should be understood....we're complicated.

5) Singing is a total must, I can sing bitches. YOU just don't know it yet. =)

6) I am always hungry, therefore I always want to eat which means I probably eat more than I should.

7) I miss the feeling I would get when I played Super Mario Bros. Hands down, BEST GAME EVER!

8) Dancing lifts my spirits, it makes me VERY VERY VERY happy.

9) I am a huge cry baby, things get to me easily.

10) Everyday, at least once a day, I dream and dwell about where my life is headed for my 22nd year...I know it will be an amazing time.

11) I laugh A LOT, way too much and I LOVE IT! Stomach-ache- tear dropping- can't breath- type laughter. THE best.

12) I have ONE close friend from high school and I adore her. ( tots- I told you write I love yare) lol.

13) I check my myspace and facebook more than I should.

14) My parents will never understand that calling me 1676303573674563x's a day is completely unnecessary...gotta love them.

15) I want a tattoo, eventually.

16) Religion is complicated, I find it hard to believe in anything related to it. HOWEVER, I don't like to be ignorant. GIVE ME INFO. I love to learn everything and anything.

17) I love to see kids reading, it makes me smile- probably because I know exactly how their feeling.

18) I'm currently reading "The Brief Wondrous life of Oscar Wao" and I suggest every single person to go READ IT! it's amazing.

19) I dream of the day I can walk inside MY house/apartment/whatever I can afford and not be bombarded with questions and loud random noise coming from all angles and corners of my household. ugh. PEACE PEOPLE, PEACE & TRANQUILITY.

20) I hate racism- fuck that shit.

21) I get annoyed when people don't believe/ judge others. WHO ARE YOU?

22) I have a deep and profound love for Starbucks. Iced Mochas are amazing.

23) Usually, I wake up telling myself to go to the gym. I blame it on my short term memory for not getting to it...

24) I only have one fact left...this shit was time consuming.

25) I LOVE LIFE, all of it. Peace and Love peeps. =)

Amazing Quote:" The aim of an artist is not to solve a problem irrefutably, but to make people love life in all its countless, inexhaustible manifestations. If I were told that I could write a novel whereby I might irrefutably establish what seemed to me the correct point of view on all social problems, I would not even devote two hours to such a novel; but if I were to be told that what I should write would be read in twenty years’ time by those by who are now children and that they would laugh and cry over it, and love life, I would devote all my own life and all my energies to it."

- Tolstoy

What I Call A Sweet Day

2010-01-20T21:19:00.000-08:00
There's all sorts of days. There's the ugly days, the bummy days, the sick days, the hectic days, the chaotic malfunctioning- I -hate-life-day, but then..on seldom times- there are the sweet days. Today was a sweet day.
I'll explain....
I woke up at 3- yes, 3 IN THE AFTERNOON (and your eyes are the size of the moon-sorry, had to!)
I stretched, looked around and said "I will go running..." and so I did. Driving to Miracle Mile is always exciting, I know what I'll encounter and the feeling of that wonderful city-like place it always provides. I ran, and ran, and sweated A LOT. I sat in random spots and contemplated being unemployed for the rest of my life so I could encounter these moments but then I had to quickly shut it down because........what was the reason again?

Oh yes...

Bills. SIGH.

After running, I ran back to my car- so I guess in reality I wasn't done until I reached my car. But, nonetheless I went back home and sat for two minutes. I hadn't eaten a thing so I was on the verge of fainting, collapsing, never re-living. And so I sat. After a good two minutes and still feeling like I was going to REALLY pass out, I showered. I got pretty for the boyfriend who I hadn't seen in two days and waiting patiently for him to come pick me up!

We then went over to marvelous Chipotle....

I had a salad, but a great one at that. So damn good, shouldn't even be called a salad.

After some deliciousness we went over to his house so I could play with Tulip a bit. Who's Tulip? this gorgeous yorky, that's who!

MY FUTURE PUP, thanks to Raimels wonderful MOM! Love her.
she's fluffy and she likes to cuddle.
I'm in love with her gender, she's a girl.
Yes, I must admit- I do believe that I will have a different bond then all my other male dogs.
I can't wait to buy her little sweaters and take her for walks and cuddle with her at night!
I'm excited.
Goodnight.
Peace and Love.

Today.

2010-01-18T20:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day. Simply. Wonderfully. Amazingly.
I did wake up later than intended, and I didn't go running in Miracle Mile like previously planned.
But,I did take my brother for a nice lunch to Panera (yumminess) and I did go check out my future bike that I plan on buying
the second I receive my financial aid money. We also went for a Starbucks run, where I introduced him to the deliciousness of Java Chip Frapps and I enjoyed my caramel frapp (without whip, of course.)
Then, I went to Zumba, like the Zumba junkie that I am.
I can't describe what Zumba does to me. I swear, if I could fly I would bet it feels exactly what Zumba makes me feel.
I love shaking my body to the rhythm of the music while at the same time sweating my entire being. I love secretly competing with the Zumba teacher and saying to myself "C'MON- do it BETTER AND FASTER!"
As arrogant as that sounds, it makes my workout so much harder on a completely different level.
Zumba, Zumba, Zumba- you make me smile, you make me scream with adrenaline, you are so wonderful!

I do know something though, if I had to really describe what it feels like inside- I'd have to say it feels like that moment where you take your shoes off and step into that cold sand while the beautiful ocean water is all around you. Your feet sink it, or sometimes you sink them in yourself. It's that odd feeling you get that let's you know you are a human being who can fully appreciate something like this. A human being who can love and move and feel the small things like water all around your feet. I love the water, I love the coldness, I love the distinguishable feeling. It's that free feeling, yet at the same time constrained by the wet heavy sand that falls upon them. Then, you draggingly take out your feet and step into that chaotic world that you can sometimes love and sometimes not want to be a part off. That's Zumba, if I had to describe it, of course.

Why So Many?

2010-01-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

Why so many blogs?
Why so much inconsistency with something you truly want to do?
I'll tell you why.
Because since the second I breathed the first breath of air, I began to over think.
This time around, I will not over think.
I will stop thinking that my post have to be super duper long and super duper appropriately written and instead begin to think that this is a record of my life. A diary of some sort. Where I can contemplate and analyze my thoughts. Where I can write it down just because it's impossible to replay every special memory in my head so instead, I'll type it down and read it over and over when I want to read it over and over.

It will be the place I come to love the things I love, so I can share with the world. Or myself. Whatever.
It wil be a place where words can be misspelled but no one will say anything. Or, where I can miss a comma but not a single soul will correct. It will be comfort. It will be who I am, and who I will become. Because, in the end- it's these small little details that we can hold on to and if we can't hold on, then it will be the things that will keep us moving. The little things. Tiny, itty bitty things. Yep, thats it.